The Cost of Judgement in Relationships

My son is going through an autism evaluation. We’ve been processing this for a while, and although we’re in a better place now, the beginning was really tough.

When we first started down this path, I had a lot of grief and fear to work through. My biggest worries were around connection and the future. I wondered:

👉 Will we be able to truly express and receive love from our son in a way that makes sense to us and to him?
👉 Will he have the ability to live life the way that he wants to—go to college, get married, play sports, or travel if he chooses?

These fears lived in my heart from the beginning—and if I’m being honest, they still creep in sometimes. But as we began sharing our journey with others, new worries started creeping in—specifically around judgment.

I worried that people might see our son as “different” and miss who he really is. I also feared that others might judge my husband and me as parents. Truthfully, I still feel a low-level of worry sometimes when we’re in public, at school—or even at church.

We’ve had our fair share of judgmental stares when our son doesn’t respond when being spoken to or when he’s a little too loud or erratic for other people’s liking. And while those judgmental stares sting, I can brush them off more easily. They don’t know us or our situation well enough for their opinions to carry too much weight.

But I was more worried about judgment from those closest to us—specifically, my dad.

The Weight of Words

You see, growing up, my dad would sometimes share his opinions on how other people handled challenging situations (as we all tend to do—often in front of our children). And though I really believe his opinions came from love and a desire to protect others, they often came out as critical and judgmental.

When we found out our son probably has autism, I immediately remembered some comments my dad made decades earlier about a family from church with a child who had special needs:

🔹 “That behavior isn’t an ADHD problem; it’s a parenting problem.”
🔹 “ADHD isn’t an excuse for a lack of discipline.”

Even though there was truth in what he said—that even children with special needs require thoughtful parenting—the way he expressed it lacked the humility and compassion needed when encountering others who live or struggle differently than we do.

This instilled in me an unease, as if there were a clear, “right” way to parent, and that I might fail to live up to it in my dad’s eyes.

Now, navigating life as a parent of a child with autism, those memories cut even deeper.

Even though I knew my dad wasn’t that guy anymore—that he had grown immensely in his walk with God—I still found myself avoiding certain situations and conversations with him.

I feared he’d see me as inadequate or too lenient if my son didn’t follow directions or had a hard day… all because of passing comments he made so many years ago.

Judgment Has a Long Reach

Thankfully, I was able to talk to my dad about it, and we had a meaningful conversation where connection was restored.

But this experience convicted me of something deeper:

Judgment has a long reach. Even a single comment, made in passing, can create walls that last for decades.

Judgment steals safety from relationships. It erodes connection. It creates walls where there should be closeness—and in that disconnect, it sows seeds of insecurity and fear.

And the irony?

I had feared judgment from my father—but I am guilty of the same sin in my own life.

How many relationships have I unintentionally hurt with my own quick opinions?
How many loved ones hesitate to be real with me because of something I’ve thoughtlessly said?
How many connections have I robbed of safety because of my own pride?

It was as if the prophet Nathan was standing before me, echoing his words to David:

“You are that (wo)man!”

The realization struck me like a brick to the chest—I had done the same thing to those dearest to me without even realizing it.

Before You Stop Sharing Your Opinion…

I’m not suggesting we stop sharing our opinions altogether—expressing our perspective is essential for genuine, authentic connection.

But let’s take time to reflect first (remember, God says to be slow to speak). Let’s ensure that we share our perspectives in a way that aligns with how our faith calls us to live, love, and engage with others.

Here are some questions to consider before sharing your opinion:

✅ Does this opinion put me or God in the judgment seat?
✅ Does this opinion stem from love and humility or pride and superiority?
✅ What purpose does sharing this opinion serve?
✅ Where can I empathize with this person, even if we disagree?
✅ Where can I express my humility, leaving room for my own imperfections?

Final Encouragement

Brotherfriends and Sisterfriends, my encouragement to you today is this:

👉 Don’t let judgment steal safety from your relationships.
👉 Don’t let pride erode your connection with others.

Share your thoughts, but do it from a place of humility, compassion, and love.

Let your words build bridges, not walls.

And if your heart’s motivation is connection, not correction, it’ll show in your words, your tone, and your posture—even when you disagree.