When I was about six years old, my dad heard of this concept from a brother that came to teach at our church. It was called, “Rant, Rave, and Repent.” This forever changed the trajectory of our family connection and communication as we implemented this framework into our family devotionals. Here’s how it works:

Rave = a praise to offer someone in the family

Rant = a grievance to air to someone in the family

Repent = an area of growth for you to humbly admit to the family

Rave

When we sat down for a family devo, my parents were very intentional about actively calling out our good deeds or positive character traits displayed from the previous week. They would nitpick in the best way and get specific and detailed about what we did that they were so impressed with or proud of.

Example: Ellen, I saw that during the church event there was a little girl not playing with the rest of the kids and you went over and talked to her. We are so proud of you! You have an amazing ability to notice those on the outskirts and pull them in to be included, just like Jesus!

Example: Stephen, you had a conversation with a neighbor today and looked them in the eye the whole time! And after they asked you how your day was, you reciprocated by asking them how their day was! We know this has been hard for you, but you did it! You were polite and delightful as you carried on a conversation with someone, even when you may not have wanted to. You have such an amazing ability to adapt and persevere. We are so proud of you!

These kinds of deep, descriptive praises helped to breed so much in our hearts. What a lesson this was for me in God’s attentiveness and delight! I felt seen, heard, and understood—not alone and not forgotten, like so many young children often feel. I felt like there was an incentive to do good because it pleased my parents. I knew that it pleased them because they took the time and effort to recognize it and then express it.

Tears instantly spring to my eyes whenever I reflect on the name that Hagar gave God, El Roi, “The God Who Sees.” Doesn’t this speak to the deepest desire of all of our hearts? To be fully seen and known by another? This, after all, is the foundation of intimacy—to know and be fully known. If you want to have deep intimacy with your children, you must see them. Observe them throughout the week, then express your gratitude and admiration for them with specific and intentional raves. This takes effort! We must train our brains to be alert for the positives. Be on the lookout for what you can praise your kids for! Ask yourself questions at the end of each day to help draw these into your sphere of awareness. Questions like, “When did I feel most proud of my children today?” “What did they do that was difficult for them today?” “In what ways did my child image God today?”

My parents would encourage my brother and me to express raves for each other or for them by helping to draw them out of our hearts with questions like, “What did your sibling, mom, or dad do this week that made you proud of them?” “That made you feel safe?” “That made you feel loved?” We were encouraged to really think through the week. There was never a rave too small! Every piece of praise was savored and valued.

Rant

Once we finished the raves, there was an opportunity for anyone to share a rant with someone else. No one had to have a rant, but the rule was that, if someone did have one, they had to have a rave to follow it up with. Rants were not meant to be a mic-drop moment when we got to tear someone apart for their thoughtless action or comment. This was a time to vulnerably expose the pain that someone else caused throughout the week to inform them of the ripple effect of their action that they might have been unaware of.

Example: (from my brother) Ellen, on Monday you had a friend over and you didn’t let me play with you guys. That made me angry [after prompts from my parents to pull out the primary emotion under the anger]. It made me sad, and I felt left out.

Once a rant was shared, the other person had a chance to respond to the rant with an apology and further explanation as to their intent.

Example: I’m really sorry that we hurt your feelings. That was not what we were trying to do. We were talking about stuff that would have been uncomfortable if you were there. That’s why we didn’t let you play with us. What if next time we set a time limit? We could say, “For the next ten minutes we will play just us, and then we will all play together.”

By the way, there is no way we could have been that concise and thoughtful in our communication at such a young age, but the gist of that response eventually came after several prompts, intercessions, and nudges from our parents to help us to 1) recognize the depths of our hearts, 2) communicate it to one another, and 3) come to a resolution together.

One of the best things about incorporating our rants into our weekly scheduled devotional time was that it freed us up from feeling compelled to express our secondary emotion (usually anger) in a moment of high emotional conflict. There was a set time every week when we could check in with each other and share the good and bad from the week. Eventually, we learned us that we didn’t need to blow up at each other in the moment. In fact,

One of the best things about incorporating our rants into our weekly scheduled devotional time was that it freed us up from feeling compelled to express our secondary emotion (usually anger) in a moment of high emotional conflict. There was a set time every week when we could check in with each other and share the good and bad from the week. Eventually, we learned us that we didn’t need to blow up at each other in the moment. In fact, we realized it was more effective when we waited, calmed ourselves, and found a way to vulnerably express our primary emotion (usually hurt) during a rant.

Repent

Once rants were expressed, we had a time to share any “repents” that we needed to unburden from our hearts. My dad was especially good at modeling for us how to humbly expose our areas of growth without being ashamed. He would often say something like, “I have been feeling really remorseful about losing my temper with you guys earlier this week. I had a tough day at work and was preoccupied in my mind and heart with how I was going to try to fix it the next day. Then you guys started asking me a lot of questions, and I felt overwhelmed and took it out on you. That wasn’t okay, and I am really working on finding a better way to communicate in moments like that. Will you forgive me?”

This kind of admission from my dad helped my brother and me to grasp a few important things:

1. It wasn’t shameful to be imperfect. Even our parents were imperfect, so it was okay for us to be imperfect too.
2. There is always a reason why someone mistreats someone else. However, that reason does not nullify the transgression.
3. When our imperfection hurts someone, it is necessary to ask for forgiveness.