Dear Ellen, We have a new believer in our community who is young in her faith. She’s been involved in outreach events and has been bringing guests, but recently we discovered that she has been secretly dating another woman. We want to handle this with care since she’s still very new in her walk with God. How do we confront this situation in a way that is both loving and truthful without pushing her away? – Seeking Wisdom
Dear Seeking Wisdom,
Thank you so much for reaching out with this very sensitive question. It’s clear that your heart is for both truth and grace as you navigate this with her, which is exactly where God is.
When it comes to addressing situations like this, especially with someone who is new in the faith, it’s helpful to approach it much like you would with any other area of sin that someone may not fully understand yet. It’s important to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she may not have been taught yet what God’s Word says about sexuality.
Here’s a suggested approach:
Seek to understand her perspective: Ask her how she understands what God’s will is in this area. A simple question like, “We understand you’re dating another woman, and we’d love to hear more about how you see this fitting with your walk with God” can open the door for a deeper conversation.
Build empathy: Acknowledge that it can be really difficult to reconcile same-sex attractions with what the Bible teaches. You could say something like, “I can only imagine how hard it must be to navigate these feelings while trying to follow God. Can you share more about your journey with this?”
Share God’s truth lovingly: Once you’ve listened to her, you can gently share what the Bible says about God’s design for sexuality. Frame it in a way that shows that God’s statutes are for our good, even when they’re hard to understand or follow. For example, you could say, “God has an incredible plan for all of us, including our sexuality, and it may look different from what we initially think is right. Could we take some time to look at what Scripture says together?”
From here, there are a few possible paths:
If she’s open to correction, this may become a beautiful opportunity for repentance and spiritual growth. Celebrate her openness to God’s leading, and make sure she knows that she’ll have your support as she navigates the challenges of same-sex attraction. This would be a great time to connect her with a ministry like Strength in Weakness, where she can find community and support with others who are walking the same path.
If she knowingly defies God’s instruction, despite believing it, this would require further conversations about discipleship and obedience. As with any sin, willful disobedience should be addressed with church discipline, done with the same process you would use for any other issue. Just because this topic is more culturally controversial, does not mean that God puts more or less significance on it. The process toward church discipline should not be a quick one, but rather one steeped in compassion, gentleness, and eagerness to give her every opportunity for repentance.
If she disagrees theologically with what you believe the Bible teaches, you’ll need to decide how to move forward based on your church’s stance on sexuality as a primary or secondary issue. If your church views this as a primary issue of biblical obedience, you may need to distinguish between her involvement as a member or non-member, much like you would with any theological disagreement on core issues. This can be done lovingly and with respect, without condemning or ostracizing her.
I’m praying for you as you walk this delicate road, and I trust that God will give you the wisdom and grace to guide her well.
