Dear Ellen, A sister in our ministry said that she’s asexual. Is this ok? Should we encourage her to pursue dating or embrace singleness? — Confused and Curious
Dear Confused and Curious,
Asexuality, or the lack of sexual attraction, is not inherently sinful. We are all wired with distinct patterns of attraction and libidos, and just because someone experiences little to no desire for sexual connection, doesn’t mean that it is pathological. In fact, someone who experiences a lower threshold for sexual attraction may even be more open to the joys and gifts of celibacy, which is praised in scripture.
As with any sexual orientation or pattern of attraction, asexuality itself is neutral. It is not inherently righteous or sinful. What matters, as always, is what we choose to do with our inclinations. For a Christian who experiences little to no romantic or sexual attraction, the key will be to ensure that they still pursue deep, meaningful (non romantic/sexual) intimacy with God and others in their life.
However, it is important to avoid elevating any earthly label (such as “asexual”) over our core identity in Christ. If someone were to focus so heavily on their asexual identity that it became their primary marker, displacing Christ, this would be considered idolatry. The same would be true for any earthly identity that takes precedence over who we are in Christ. If this idolatry is present, then it is the idolatry—not the lack of attraction—that becomes the issue needing to be addressed in a loving and compassionate way.
Not everyone who experiences asexuality has a trauma history, and not everyone with a trauma history experiences asexuality. However, those who have experienced sexual trauma may indeed develop a reduced desire for romantic or sexual connection. This can be a natural response to trauma. When trauma is involved, the focus should not be on trying to restore or create sexual attraction, but rather on healing from the trauma itself.
I have prayed for you as you wrestle through this in your heart and walk alongside this sister with both truth and grace.
