How Should a Church Ministry Handle a Member in a Same-Sex Relationship?

Dear Ellen,

A sister in our ministry has been experiencing same-sex attraction and is now currently living in a homosexual relationship. We’re struggling to navigate this with love and grace while staying true to God’s standard of holiness. What advice do you have for handling this situation as a ministry on practical things like, how long it takes her to repent or if she is still allowed to serve in worship services?

— Seeking Balance

Dear Seeking Balance,

Thank you for reaching out and for your desire to walk this challenging road with both truth and grace. It can be daunting to find that balance between extending God’s love and upholding His standards of holiness, especially in a world where the topic of same-sex attraction has become so deeply complicated by social and political views.

See Her

The most important thing you can do is seek to understand her story. I am always moved by the story of Hagar, who called God “El Roi”—the God who sees me. It’s a reminder of our deepest desire: to be seen, known, and loved. Your role in this sister’s life, at this moment, is to be a reflection of God’s love by seeing her fully, as He does.

Start by asking open-ended questions that draw out her story, and listen with curiosity and compassion. Let your goal be to know her as well as possible, showing her that she is truly seen, valued, and loved—even in the midst of this sin.

When it’s time to address the fact that there’s a disconnect between her life and her doctrine, do so gently, with understanding.

Point her to a higher perspective: God is interested in her heart, not just her behavior. John 14:15 tells us that obedience comes from love:

📖 “If you love me, you will obey my commands.”

The issue here is not merely about sin; it’s about love—her love for God, her connection with Him, and her spiritual relationship. Her “marriage” to God may be experiencing some difficulty, and your goal should be to understand her side of things while guiding her back to the intimacy and love God desires for her.

This approach prioritizes relationship over rules and seeks to show her that transformation comes from God’s love and connection with Him—not from external pressure or fear of judgment.

Think Through Parallel Situations

It’s easy to get swept up in the controversy surrounding same-sex attraction and treat it differently from other forms of sin. However, it’s crucial to remember that God views this the same way He views other sins—whether that’s gossip, greed, or sexual immorality.

The way we handle these situations should reflect that truth, without elevating or diminishing the issue simply because of cultural pressure.

To help remove some of the stigma, ask yourself:

• If this sister were living with a boyfriend outside of marriage, how would the ministry handle it?
• Would you set any expectations or time limits for repentance in that case?
• Would you permit her to participate in church activities like singing in the worship ministry?

By thinking in these broader terms, it becomes easier to discern the right course of action for your organization—one rooted in both love and righteousness—without being influenced by the cultural controversy that surrounds this topic.

Being Spirit-Led in Complex Situations

Every situation is unique, and there are no one-size-fits-all solutions, which is why we must rely on the Spirit’s guidance.

If God intended for every possible scenario to be detailed in Scripture, He would have included them. Instead, He provides us with overarching principles—love, holiness, grace, truth—and asks us to discern how to apply them to each situation.

I will be praying for you and your ministry as you navigate this situation. My hope is that the decisions you make reflect both God’s holiness and His deep, unconditional love.

In Him,
Ellen