Is Masturbation a Sinful Way to Connect with My Deceased Spouse?
Dear Ellen,
My spouse of 40 years died recently. Masturbation is a way I’ve been able to connect with my deceased spouse. Is this sinful?
— Grieving and Searching
Dear Grieving and Searching,
I am so sorry to learn of your spouse’s recent passing. I cannot imagine the isolation, grief, and fear you have wrestled through. I send my heartfelt love and compassion to you as you’re navigating this new normal.
Your question about masturbation is a great one, and a highly debated one! I’m not sure anyone can answer this question with extreme certainty. I will, however, offer you some things to consider and some resources as you navigate through this.
My typical response to this question is, “though masturbation is not specifically mentioned as a sin in the Bible, I cannot conceive of a way that someone could masturbate without sinning through either lust and/or idolatry.” Let me explain:
The Bible never specifically addresses the act of masturbation. Though the Bible does denounce all forms of sexual impurity, it does not explicitly attribute masturbation to sexual impurity.
The Bible does say that idolatry is sinful. For many, the act of masturbation (and/or the effects of an orgasm) can turn into an idol.
The Bible does say that lust is sinful. For most, masturbation is often linked with lustful thoughts and/or images (pornography) to achieve arousal and/or orgasm.
The Bible does lay out the purpose for sex—that it should be reserved between one man and one woman in marriage. Some have made the argument that masturbation is “solo sex” and therefore strips the relational aspect that was intended for sex.
Others have made the argument that masturbation is a need, akin to scratching an itch or eating, and that it is not sinful, as long as it is not tied to lustful thoughts or images. Though I cannot personally conceive of a way for someone to masturbate without idolatry and/or lustful thoughts being a part of it, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is impossible—though I would guess, very improbable.
With that said, perhaps the key for you is to determine:
Whether the effects of orgasm have turned into (or could turn into—as Hebrews 12:1 calls us to not only throw off the sin that easily entangles, but also potential hindrances) an idol for you.
Whether connecting with your deceased spouse has turned into an idol—getting in the way of your connection with God.
Whether thoughts of your deceased spouse during masturbation constitute lust.
These considerations get increasingly more difficult when the person one is using to elicit orgasm is a deceased spouse, as racy thoughts about our spouses when they are alive are not considered lustful (though could be idolatrous). Given that death was not part of God’s original design, I’m not sure how we could definitively determine whether sexual thoughts about a deceased spouse are considered lustful or not, though certainly, these thoughts could easily be idolatrous for many.
Of course, these are quick bulleted points and thoughts that are not very nuanced. Below are some resources that seek to nuance this a bit as you consider your belief here. Perhaps my personal favorite is Dr. Juli Slattery’s blog from her ministry, Authentic Intimacy: Masturbation: Is It Wrong?.
Another great resource is a blog post written by Guy Hammond, available on the Strength in Weakness website. You can find it here: Is Masturbation Really a Sin?. One of the examples given is very similar to your situation.
